you did NOT just say that

Since the day that Nic died, I’ve semi-joked about writing a book entitled “You did NOT just say that” about things people say to those who are grieving. But recently, I’ve decided that this really might be helpful information to put out there, because no one really KNOWS what to do or say in this sort of situation. So this is my attempt at sharing the things that have been helpful (and not so helpful) in the past months. (P.S. I’m not trying to call anyone out on anything – please know that I know anything you’ve attempted to say or do for me was done out of love and compassion.) I’ve contemplated actually publishing this, because I know there’s a chance that someone is going to be offended or get their feelings hurt by this and because I’m being painfully honest and vulnerable in this. Please remember that this whole thing is MY opinion – do with it what you will!
 
Section 1: Things NOT to Say or Do (particularly to survivors of suicide)
-          “This was just God’s will.” Okay, first of all that’s not comforting ever. But Nic didn’t die by accident. He made a choice. And while I believe with ALL my heart that God works all things together for good, I don’t think this was what He wanted or willed for Nic’s life. And in the depths of tragedy and heartache, cliché things like this just make it more painful than it already is. (Also in this category, things like: “He’s in a better place now.” – I don’t want him in a better place – I want him HERE, “Heaven has a new angel.” “He’s gone to be with Jesus.” “He’s in a better place now.” “You’ll get to see him again one day.”)
-          “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I started to make this one a subsection of the previous bullet, but then I decided it deserved it’s own line. First of all, I don’t think that statement is true. I think that God gives us more than we can handle on our own so that our only choice is to rely on Him. BUT GOD DIDN’T DO THIS. GOD DIDN’T “GIVE” THIS TO ME. Nic made a CHOICE.
-          “I know how you feel.” You don’t. Even if the EXACT same thing happened to you, you don’t know how I feel. Please don’t tell me you do. Instead, try things like, “I can’t even imagine.”
-          “He was such a good kid.” He was. You’re right. But this makes it sound like only “bad” kids commit suicide. This can happen to ANYONE! It’s not only kids who look or act a certain way.
-          “This was so unexpected.” Duh. I am very much aware of that. I did not expect it either.
-          “I’m here if you want to talk.” I know this comes from a good and honest place, but if we have never talked about anything more than what we had for breakfast, I probably don’t want to talk to you about this. HOWEVER, that being said, this is different than things like, “Hey I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I heard what happened and I’m really sorry.” That is actually quite meaningful and appreciated.
-          “It’ll be okay.” Again, YOU DON’T KNOW THAT. And by saying this, you’re invalidating my feelings of not being anywhere near okay.
-          “How are you doing?” To be fair, this question becomes more acceptable as more time passes. But in the first days and weeks afterwards, the answer to that question is pretttyyy obvious. And chances are good of you getting a snarky response from me (my apologies to anyone I actually did that to). Also, if I run in to you in the grocery store, at work, etc, chances are good that’s not the place I’m going to want to or feel comfortable admitting how I am really feeling.
-          “Just remember the good times with Nic.” Yes, I have 17 years’ worth of awesome memories with Nic. But remembering those doesn’t automatically take the pain away. In fact, some days it makes it worse. Saying this makes it seem like you’re dismissing the present pain.
-          “Did he leave a note? How did he do it? Etc.” This is super personal information, first of all. Second of all, how does that help? He did it. Isn’t that enough? It makes it feel like you are de-personalizing (is that even a word??) what happened.
-          “Let me know what I can do.” Let me be honest with you. I can hardly remember who came through our house in those first days, let alone people who sent me emails or messages. I know you genuinely do want to help, but leave your information with a family member or friend so that once the dust settles and we really do need you, we can remember who said what. Be sure to specify what you can help with – food, housing for family members, etc. (shout out to Karla Wade and Kristen “Christian” Murray who helped us with all of this!!! Love you friends J)
-          Other cliché’s such as, “Hug lots of people because everytime you hug someone, a little of the pain goes away.” Okay wow. Yes, someone really said this. And yes, I quite love hugs. Especially from people who are helping me bear this load right now. But that doesn’t make the pain “go away”. Think before you speak. Silence or “I don’t know what to say” is SO much better than cliché’s!
-          Telling me about every person you ever knew that committed suicide. Not helpful. If you are telling me about your best friend or dear relative, I’m willing to listen. But your grandma’s best friend’s cousin? Not helping. I do however think that it’s important to be open and honest about our stories, and so I genuinely did appreciate people who told me things like, “This happened to me and it really, really sucks right now. But please know that…eventually…it gets better.”
-          Suggestions of how I should be feeling or responding, such as, “you have every right to be mad” when I have not made one comment about being mad. 

- Pity. Don't feel sorry FOR me. I know this really really sucks. But I don't need your pity. If you want to feel sorry WITH me, to greive with me, to tell me how much it stinks, I would LOVE that. But please don't pity me!

--          Sending flowers. Flowers are pretty, but they DIE and then its super depressing for the person who has to throw them away. Plus, who has room for 30 bouquets of roses in their house??

Section 2: Things TO Say (or do)
-          “I’m sorry.” It seems so simple, but it’s so much more helpful than all the things I listed in Section 1.
-          “This really sucks.” This is helpful because it’s the TRUTH! It DOES suck. Thank you for acknowledging this fact and for validating my feelings. It’s okay to agree with me that this is really, really terrible. You don’t have to fix it or make it better.
-          “I don’t know what to say.” Follow this up with a hug or just sitting with me, even in the heavily awkward silence. This statement is so honest and real and feels better to me than cliché’s. And don’t be afraid to cry with me. It’s okay for you to cry too. It hurts.
-          “I love you.” Only say this if you do love me. Don’t be a creeper. Haha. But seriously, there are days in the darkness of this tragedy that I feel super-duper unlovable. Having people remind me that I AM in fact lovable is very helpful.
-          “Whatever you’re feeling? That’s okay.” I think that this was one of the MOST helpful things that was said to me. Because I was feeling a LOT of things (still am feeling a lot of things) and the reminder that it was okay was helpful.
-          “Whenever you’re ready” or “Only if you want to.” There were (and still are) times I simply wasn’t feeling up to going somewhere or doing something, especially if it related to Nic. But I have a hard time saying no, so adding those words on to the invitation gave me an out if I needed it.
-          Sharing sweet and funny stories about Nic.
-          Remind me that you haven’t forgotten – that you think of me from time to time. That you remember Nic. Because the longer it has been, the more it feels like people forget. 
-          Food. Food is always good. Send food, send gift cards to restaurants, all of those things. Because it gives one less thing to worry about…but you should check with the family first – we ended up with WAY to much food in the beginning! Send what my mom calls “cupboard casserole” – all the ingredients for something that they can just quickly throw together, but that doesn’t require much freezer/fridge space.
-          Send paper products, tissues, toilet paper, coffee. There will be lots of people in and out of the house, and these things run out quickly.
-          Offer to do household chores – walk the dog, clean the bathrooms, mow the lawn.

Section 3: After the dust settles (and other miscellaneous things)
                Here’s the most wonderful and the most terrible thing about tragedy: life goes on. Which is a painful thing for the people most intimately involved in such tragedy. It feels like people forget – like they move on or get over it. But for those of us in the depths of this storm, the shore feels really far away. Someone recently explained it to me using Hurricane Katrina. When the storm first hit, there were fundraisers everywhere, every other night there was a telethon on TV. But now, people have moved on. But there are people who are still devastated by the effects of the hurricane. For those of us in this hurricane, it’s not about “moving on” or “getting over it”. It’s about learning to live with the way life is now. Learning to live this life to the fullest. And that is a really, really hard thing to learn.
                Lots of people offer to hang out or things like that. This helps, but to be honest I’m not the most social person lately. And it doesn’t help that I have been super busy. My social interactions are limited to my inner circle for the most part. But please don’t think that your offers don’t matter or that I won’t eventually take you up on them. (Side note – Don’t take this to mean that this isn’t what the rest of my family wants!)The most meaningful things? The cards people have sent me, particularly within the last month. There’s something about someone taking the time to write a card and stick it in the mailbox that just seems so meaningful.
                There are good days and bad days. If you ask me how I’m doing, some moments I might say “good” and some I might say “bad”. Neither of these is a lie or untruth. They just speak of how I feel in that moment. If anything in this blog offended you or hurt your feelings, I’m sorry. But these things are honest and I’m in a desperate search for honesty in my life right now. Know that I am well aware that whatever you may have said or done for me was done in love and I appreciated it.
P.S. I love you Nic. 

A Letter to My Brother

Nic,

                So many thoughts and emotions have crossed my mind and heart over the past 2 weeks. It started with shock. Surely that couldn’t be true. That 5am phone call. It couldn’t be MY brother they were talking about. My baby brother who was so full of life and laughter and energy. Who lit up a room the second he walked in. It couldn’t be him.

                Then almost immediately I was mad. At you. So very mad. How could you do this to us? I was just starting my new career! This emotion didn’t last long…its focus soon turned to me. What could I have done? Did I miss something? How could this happen?

                But mostly I’ve just been sad and heartbroken. I miss you Nic. It’s not fair. You were only 17. I wish there was something someone could have said or done to make you change your mind. But who am I kidding? You were the most stubborn kid I know…once you made up your mind, that was it! I know you didn’t want anyone to mourn your passing, but you were a world changer buddy, impacting every life you crossed. Did you see how many people came to honor you? Dressed like fools?? I hope you liked that!

                I miss you every day. Every freaking day. I’m constantly reminded of you. And I miss you and if I could see you one more time, I would probably punch you square in the gut and then squeeze you with all my might. You have incredible friends Nic and I know you’re so proud of how they’re taking care of Mom and Dad.

                I mostly wrote you this letter to tell you this. In your short  17 years, you impacted more lives than most people impact in 75 years. You will continue to light up the world for many, many years to come. Thank you. Thank you for loving everyone you encountered, and for teaching us to do the same. Thank you for making us laugh. Thank you for bringing back the surprisingly convenient fanny pack (I think you might have been on to something here!). Thank you for reminding us just how valuable every single moment is and to tell each other we matter OFTEN. Thank you for making every day a celebration. Thank you for being the best cone-headed baby brother Brian and I could’ve ever wanted (even if I did try to convince mom to take you back!).

                I miss you often, but I know you’ll never be truly gone. You are a beautiful soul and I know you’re forever with me.

                                         I love you Nic.

                                                                          Love,

                                                                               The best big sister ever :)

THE Nic Pritchard (Mama)

What my mama shared: 


Today was a long day. Thank you to all of the love and prayers. Our family was supported and surrounded by love as we celebrated the life of our sweet Nic Pritchard. Here are the words I shared at the celebration:
Nic's death leaves us with a lot of questions. I don't know the answers.
Here's what I do know....
Nic showed us love in action. He taught us all what friendship means. He showed us that laughter & a smile can always make a difference. 
He gifted us with love and joy and entertainment for 17 years.

Our best gift to him will be to go forward in live sharing those things he did for us...
living life with passion
thinking of other people
including everyone
making others feel special
laugh & Play hard
& dance, not as if no one were looking, but because everyone is looking.

THE Nic Pritchard (Daddy)

This is what my Daddy shared today. Love his willingness to be honest and vulnerable. 

Nic, This is for you, my son. I love you!

To know Nic, was to love Nic. Mischievous, smart, loving, honest, funny, athletic. And don’t forget stubborn, determined, and hard-headed. Nic was a bright shining light. That is how I will remember my son.

His decision to end his life leaves us with so many questions and so few answers. And answers may never come. The truth is… there were no signs. I don’t think anyone who knew Nic would have listed him as someone they thought would commit suicide. On the contrary, all the signs led us all to believe that Nic was excited about his life. 

Questions with no answers.

Juanita and I have told many people on many occasions how FORTUNATE we are to have such awesome kids. We are very, very blessed. Nic’s sister Rachel and brother Brian share many of the same wonderful qualities that Nic expressed. Open, inclusive, nurturing, loving. To Rachel and Brian, thank you for choosing us.

Nic was fortunate to have many strong, loving adults in his life. Aunts, uncles, cousins, ministers, coaches, and teachers. We have often marveled at the good choices our kids made in picking their friends. And Nic was no exception. He has GREAT friends. From the bottom of our hearts, Juanita and I thank you. For your kindness and generosity, but mostly, mostly…for loving our son… and for helping him fulfill his purpose. Please know that our doors are always open to you.

Not only does he have great friends, but he picked friends with great parents. We have been fortunate to become friends with many of them. Thank you all for loving Nic, for encouraging him, coaching him, reprimanding him, and inviting him into his your lives as though he was your own. And thank you for surrounding us with your love and support.

To say that Nic’s decision rocked a lot of people is an understatement. And I’m sure that even at this time, I don’t fully grasp the impact of his life on this community. I look around the room here and see his family, friends, his friends’ parents, our friends, neighbors, co-workers, members of this and several other faith communities, teachers, and school staff. Nic touched a lot of lives! We are so grateful for your support. Words are inadequate to express our deep appreciation; we are truly, truly humbled by your kindness, your care, and your concern.

You have heard some wonderful tributes to Nic. Who he was, what he stood for, and how he changed peoples’ lives. My beliefs are probably a bit different from some of you. I truly believe what the banners in this church say “Many paths, One God”. So if your beliefs are different than mine, I honor you and your beliefs and I hope that you are able to hear me with an open heart. In Unity, we believe that there is only one power in the universe, and that power is God. That God, as Creative Universal Energy is Good, AND everywhere present. My personal belief is that before our spirit enters our body, we choose our lives. We choose our lives in order to learn the lessons of that life and move on toward transcendence and becoming Christ like beings.

I am SO grateful that Nic choose us. And I must tell you that Nic was very determined to enter our lives. At the time he was conceived, Juanita and I were going through a very difficult time. It was not a rosy time in the Pritchard household, so there were very few times he could have joined us, if you get my drift. On top of that, we were using birth control, so…Nic was really determined! He was not a planned child, but he was never, never an unwanted child. I am grateful that Nic choose us.

While the pain of missing him is sometimes almost unbearable, we take some small solace in the idea that Nic realized that his journey in this life was complete; that he fulfilled his purpose, and was ready to move on. This doesn’t take away the pain or the void he left behind, but I know that we must all release him on his journey. So Nic, my son, my teacher…I release you on to your next adventure and wish you Godspeed. I hope I’m lucky enough that our paths cross again.

I want to say a few words about Forgiveness. When someone makes a choice to end their life, all of those around him question what they could have done to reach out and change that decision. I know that many of us are doing just that. We must all remember that this was Nic’s choice. He didn’t reach out to any of us for help, he made a decision, and when Nic made a decision, he was single minded in his direction. He made a decision that his 17 year old brain thought was a good idea. Don’t beat yourself up, there was nothing you could do. And please keep reminding me not to beat myself up, there was nothing I could do. Let us allow forgiveness to fill our lives. Will you do that with me?

There is one thing that is troubling me. How can a 17 year old boy purchase a handgun at 1 o’clock in the morning? Let that sink in. Nic purchased a handgun around 1:00am on the morning he shot himself. Now, I don’t care what your beliefs are about your right to own a gun, the fact that Nic was able to purchase a handgun at 1 am is wrong. Do you know that in this country, we have more regulations on importing bananas than we do on importing guns? Let me say that again. We have more regulations on importing bananas than we do on importing guns. That’s just wrong!

Would more regulations have stopped Nic? Maybe not, but something is messed up when we worry more about bananas than handguns. Right now I am furious at the person who sold him a gun. There is part of me right now that longs to cause pain in that person’s life like the pain I am feeling.

I don’t like this desire that I have for revenge. It is unhealthy, unproductive, and only results in more pain. I will not allow revenge to rule my life. I WILL NOT allow revenge to rule my life! And I hope you won’t allow it to rule yours. One day, I will forgive this person. Not next week or next month, but I will forgive him. I declare that and I own that belief. I hope, I hope, I hope you will too. Please, please…allow forgiveness to fill your hearts.

In our church, we sing the Peace song every Sunday at the close of service. One line in that song is “Let peace begin with me”. Let Peace begin with me. I repeat that line to myself many times a day. Because peace doesn’t start over there somewhere, or in the Middle East, or in Washington. Peace begins with me. Peace begins with me. Will you repeat that with me? Peace begins with me. Breathe. Let’s say that again. Peace begins with me. We will only experience peace in our lives and in our world if we claim peace for ourselves and commit to sharing our peace with the world.

Peace. That’s what Nic wanted; he wanted people to get along. He was a uniter, a peace maker, a kind, gentle loving soul. He’s done that in my life and I know that he’s done that in yours. I beg of you to honor Nic and let Peace begin with you. Peace begins with me. Peace begins with you. Thank you for sharing this incredible journey with us.

THE Nic Pritchard

This is what I shared today at my brother's celebration. 

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to decide what I was going to say when I came up here, and I ‘ll start with this…I look completely ridiculous and I think my brother is loving every minute of it.

My earliest memory of Nic is right after he was born. I can’t guarantee this memory is entirely accurate, but as accurate as a four year old can get. I was so excited for my new baby brother or sister to be born, not because I was excited to meet them, but because I knew that the night they were born I got to spend the night at Aunt Laura’s and that always meant chocolate chip pancakes. We went to the hospital and my daddy took me to meet my baby brother. And I cried and cried and cried. Not tears of joy or excitement. Tears of knowing that the blue blanket meant a boy and I wanted a girl! I would later assure my mom that she could take him back and exchange him for a girl…there were plenty of people who wanted little boys! As we grew up, I’m glad my mom didn’t take the advice of her four year old and exchange him. My brothers and I had our fair share of fights growing up, but I could not have asked for better brothers.

 I think Nic’s goal in life was to keep everyone laughing – and he did it very well. My parents have taught us since we were very young that everyone deserves to be loved, regardless of what other people think of them or how different they are from us. Judging from the stories I’ve heard over the past week, I think Nic truly embodied that. He is his father’s child in that he never met a stranger. So here’s my challenge to you. Many of you are trying to figure out how to honor Nic’s life. I’ll make it simple for you: love everyone. Even those that are hard to love. Even those who are different from you. Even those who you disagree with. Because that’s what Nic did. And celebrate each other frequently. Don’t wait until a time like this. Let people know how important they are in your life.

Many of you have also asked what you can do for our family. Love us, but mostly love my parents. Come visit them. Remind them that they are not alone. Now, more for the sake of us left here than for Nic, I want to read you something from the vision statement of one of my favorite organizations, To Write Love on Her Arms. If you’ve never heard of them, look them up when you get home.

            The vision is that we actually believe these things.

            You were created to love and beloved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. Life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to the mystery and beauty, but also to tradgedy and loss. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real, but it is our privilege to suggest that hope is just as real.

You need to know that freedom is possible and that God is still in the business of redemption. We want to say that it’s worth it, your life is worth fighting for.

We believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends and that we would learn to love ourselves.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead. The vision is that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know. The vision is hope, and hope is real. You are not alone and this is not the end of your story.

So thank you. Every one of you that has come by our house and taken time to come here today. Thank you for being our community, for reminding us that we are not alone and for encouraging us to never give up. Thank you for helping us to make sure that this is not the end of Nic’s story. And one final quote and I’ll sit down:

“Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars. The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope.”

ReachEurope :: Round Two

It's hard to believe that it has been almost a month since my return from Europe. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the trip and the incredible people I met along the way. 


I plan to write more detailed posts about each segment of the trip, but I wanted to post a short bit about the journey. 


As you probably know, I went on the Reach trip last year, and that trip was incredible. But this year was even better. I can't exactly pinpoint it...I'm not sure if it was the group of girls (not that last years group wasn't great -- I miss you all!!) or the kids or our new Romanian friends (shoutout to Gabi, Andrei and Adi!). But to say I was heartbroken when I left was an understatement. Anyways, more detailed posts to come! 

Working hard ;)

I have to go back. I haven't exactly figured out when or with whom. But it will happen. 

Group Shot!

Inima mea este în România.

hope, hearts, and haunting eyes

On this Valentine's day, I'm reminded that pieces of my heart lay in cribs halfway across the world.

There are 3 babies in particular that I do not think will ever leave my mind. I don't remember their names, but oh do I remember their faces.

The first was a little guy with a head full of hair. I don't know what his disability was, but I knew he was different before they even told me he was 'delayed'. But he was oh so sweet, with the biggest smile. He loved to be kissed and loved.

The second was a blonde baby with piercing blue eyes. He looked at me from across the room as I held another baby, laying with his bottom in the air as many babies do. He just looked. Never cried. Never laughed. But when I picked him up...oh my heart...he just snuggled right into me, so enjoying the contact, the love.

The last is the one I remember the most, the one that is almost haunting. I held him as I was also holding 2 other babies (I'm a very skilled baby-holder.). He just looked at me. Huge brown eyes. Begging me, pleading with me not to put him back in his crib, to please take him away, take him to someone who loved him. I see those eyes often, begging me not to go.

In that moment, I knew I had to return. This wasn't a one-time trip. A piece of my heart went back into that crip. And still remains with those haunting brown eyes, begging for love, for rescue. I can't rescue him. But I myself have been rescued and am loved without condition. And this is why I must go back. To carry love and hope of rescue for those brown eyes. So he will know that he is loved and worthy of rescue.

Please take just a few minutes today to pray for these sweet babies, and the over 147 million orphans in our world today. That's a really big number. 147 souls who may not feel love on this day of love. Pray for hearts to be opened. For people to come forth and claim these sweet children as their own, rescuing them as we were rescued by Christ. Pray for the governments to learn to value these children, encouraging people to adopt them. And pray that these sweet babies feel loved today.

i left my heart in romaina

i started this blog just over a year ago, with the intentions of sharing my heart. it quickly turned in to sharing about my trip to Romania. the trip was amazing. incredible. i could write for days about it. you can read the team blog from last year here.

after just 1 week in this incredible country, i was completely smitten. with the people, with the culture, with what my God was doing there. i missed my family and friends a lot, but i wasn't ready to leave when the time came. while we were there, we got to spend time in the abandoned baby ward of the hospital. while the whole trip was incredibly meaningful to me, i think i left my heart in that abandoned baby ward. we just held babies for 4 hours. i would hold three babies in my arms, and be talking to another one. i can't wait to get back there, to hold those sweet babies, to show them that they're loved and worth it.

that being said, i jumped at the opportunity to head back to romaina this summer. the trip costs $3000, which means a LOT of fundraising! now, reading this you may be thinking, "Rachel, I don't really have $50 or $100 to give you!"

but I'm not asking you for that. i'm asking you to consider sponsoring me in a 5K I will be running in next month. a 5K is around 3 miles, so you can sponsor me per mile. For example, you could sponsor me at $5 per mile, which would be $15 for the whole race. Any and all amounts would be GREATLY appreciated!!

you can even donate online! go to this website and look for the PayPal donate link on the right hand side of the page. just make sure you put my name in the information section! if you have questions about the trip, please feel free to email me!