Robin Williams is my brother

Today I googled Robin Williams. The first page of links related to his death and so called “memorials” (Read this really good article about why that terrible “Genie you’re free” post is so dangerous.). Here’s the thing about being a survivor of suicide: it never ends. Every time I see someone post about a death by suicide on social media, my stomach churns and I begin to relive my own brother’s death again. I know I’m not alone in this experience…I (unfortunately) have many friends with similar experiences.

In the wake of Robin’s death, I’ve seen some really good articles. But I’ve also seen some really terrible ones. I’ve seen people post on Facebook that Robin Williams was selfish or took the “cowardly” way out. You must realize that for ME to see this on Facebook, chances are good that we are “friends” or one of my “friends” liked said post. Really people? Here’s the thing about social media: your actions matter. And you need to know that your post about how Robin Williams was selfish or cowardly can be seen by me, and any other number of your friends that you may not even know have been affected by suicide. Words matter. They can hurt and they can heal. We need to stop telling our children and ourselves that “sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can never hurt us.” It’s not true, and it only makes worse the pain people hearing those hurtful things feel.

Here’s the thing about mental illness: it doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are young, old, male, female, gay, straight, Christian, atheist…it doesn’t care. It can attack ANYONE. If you knew my brother, you know he was Robin Williams. The guy who would run around and make a fool of himself to make you laugh. The guy who lit up the room with his contagious smile and laugh. And he was also the guy who battled mental illness; with a conversation so difficult to have.  And yet, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, someone dies by suicide every 13 minutes. That means in the time it will take you to read this post, at least 1 person has taken their own life, leaving countless more to wrestle with the aftermath. It is the 3^rd leading cause of death in people ages 15-24 (nami.org). It is the overall 10^th leading cause of death (suicidology.org). Statistically, on the same day that Robin Williams took his own life, 107 other people did the same. The world is less 108 beautiful, valuable, loved people. Mental illness is stealing lives. The face of mental illness? It’s your brother, your neighbor, your best friend…the people you know and love the most. So let’s TALK about it.

I’m not here to tell you the facts and statistics. I’m here to tell you my story. I’m here to tell you that mental illness is real. It affects the people I love most in this life. It’s taken away my brother. Unless you’ve experienced yourself the struggles of mental illness, you don’t get to be the authority. You don’t get to tell someone with depression that they just need to look at the bright side. You don’t get to tell someone with an eating disorder that “they look fine, you don’t understand why they’re doing that…just eat”. You don’t get to call people crazy. Since my brother’s death, I’ve done a lot of research into depression, suicide and other mental illnesses, and read many stories. For those of you that think that suicide is the “easy” way out or “selfish”, consider this: Your own brain, the one responsible for keeping you alive, begins to tell you that the best thing for you to do is to kill yourself. That the people closest to you would be better off without you. That nothing is ever going to get better. Your very own brain begins to speak these LIES to you, so loudly that they become your truth. Still think it’s the “easy” way??

What you, and all of us, DO have the authority to do is LOVE people. Right where they are. And sometimes that can be REALLY REALLY hard. But it can also change, and even save, lives. We were never meant to do life alone. And this isn’t some sort of theological metaphor…we were not made to do life without other people! I’m going to be real: asking someone else to come alongside you and carry your burdens is REALLY hard. But it is not impossible. The conversation  about mental illness is hard. Really hard. Our society still places such a stigma on mental illness. But if you’re reading this and you’re struggling with depression or anxiety or any number of other mental illnesses, hear this: I BELIEVE YOU. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE LOVED. Please reach out. Send me a message. Call your friend. And if someone you know is suffering, don’t let them suffer alone. Reach out to them. Offer to go sit and watch a movie with them, or take them to lunch. ASK what you can do. And if they say “nothing”, DO SOMETHING anyways. Seriously, just do it. You’re not going to “put the idea” of depression or suicide in their head. In fact, you may just help remove suicide as an option for them. SUICIDE SHOULD NEVER BE AN OPTION.

I cannot change my brother’s death. Try as I might, he is gone. But I will not let his death go unnoticed. In a few weeks, Robin Williams will no longer be in the news. The world will move on while his family is left to grapple with the aftermath of a life gone too soon. Please don’t let the conversation end there. Continue to reach out to those around you. It doesn’t make you “weak” or “broken” or any of the other lies people may tell you to admit you need help. Your life is worth living and your story is still being told.

TWLOHA’s theme for National Suicide Prevention Week 2014 is “No one else can play your part.”  If these words don’t feel true to you, I’m sorry. Whatever role you play in my life, it is yours and yours alone. The part you play for those around you cannot be done by anyone else. If these words don’t feel true to you, I encourage you to print the logo and hang it somewhere that you’ll see it every day. Read it daily, hourly, as often as you need until it begins to feel true to you. And remind others of their importance in your story – sometimes that helps us to find our own value as well. You matter.

I’ll leave you with this quote from Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA:

"Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it's awkward. When it's uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another and to meet each other in our questions."