the blog post i don't want to be true

This is the blog post I promised almost a month ago…I’ve been working on it for a while, and then school started back and it didn’t get finished in time. I promised when this all happened, I would try my hardest to be honest with people. To be real about how this was affecting me. So here’s my closest attempt at honesty.

   

  

July 27. A day that will be forever etched in my mind as one of the worst days ever. The day the world lost one of its most precious souls. The day I lost my brother.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the last year ANGRY at my brother. Yeah, I said it. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing I could see him one more time so I could hit him with all I have. And I’m not going to lie and say I’ve completely dealt with all of that anger, but I don’t find myself angry as often. Most frequently I just find myself missing him, heartwrenchingly, desperately wishing he was still here.

No matter what you hear about grief, it’s probably not how you’re going to experience it. I vividly remember one of my most common thoughts in the days following Nic’s death being, “I can’t wait til I’ve finished grieving and am over this.” It makes me laugh (in a weird, sick way) now just how wrong and naïve I was. That’s not how this works. I’ll never be “over” this. My baby brother is never coming back.

Not only do I greive for the brother I knew, but for the brother I’ll never know. The man he would’ve been. The moments I’ll never know…the big ones, like when I have his nieces and nephews….the “little” ones, like the way he ALWAYS made everyone laugh, but could get serious like when he told me he was so proud of me and how much I deserved it when I landed my first teaching job, or the way he and my best friend loved to talk about UNC and thought knew they were gangsters. Nic was literally friends with everyone he met. But his large number of friends didn’t diminish the value he placed on each individual friendship…I could never keep his friends straight when he talked about them (and I still can’t…sorry guys!)

Logically, I know I can’t change what happened. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish with all that I have that I could change it. I still wake up every single day certain that this is a bad dream…that this can’t be the “new normal”.

So here’s what I have to say a year later. If you’re hurting, ask for help. There’s no shame in what you’re feeling. Whatever it is, IT’S OKAY. Ask your friends, your family, a stranger for help!! Visit twloha.com to help you find local resources. If you’re a university student, check out your school’s counseling center…you can likely see a counselor for free. Call 1-800-SUICIDE and talk to someone about how you’re feeling. We live in a society that says feeling depressed or angry or suicidal is SHAMEFUL. I’m here to tell you it’s not. It’s honest and it’s real and IT GETS BETTER. Maybe it won’t get better today or tomorrow, but it gets better. Please don’t give up. It might take a lot of work and a lot of hurt and a lot of pain, but it gets better. You don’t have to live like this forever. IT GETS BETTER. Your life is worth fighting for!

Don’t let Nic’s story pass you by. The hurt he felt is an opportunity for you to find healing, to get the help you need, or to help someone you love find healing. Speak up. Help break the stigma surrounding mental illness. You are not broken. 

I know I’ve posted this before, but it is SO true and I hope you’ll take the time to read it, REALLY read it, and feel the truth in it.

The vision of To Write Love on Her Arms:

The vision is that we actually believe these things:

You were created to love and be loved. 

You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. 

You need to know your story is important, and you're part of a bigger story. 

You need to know your life matters

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. We believe everyone can relate to pain, all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty, but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions -- moments, and seasons, and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real and help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, freedom is possible, God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know the first step toward recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, your life is worth fighting for, it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe community is essential. People need other people. We were never meant to do life alone. 

The vision is that community, hope and help would replace secrets and silence. 

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles. 

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world. 

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and we would love ourselves enought to get the help we need. 

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, breaking cycles, making changes. 

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead. 

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know. 

The vision is hope and hope is real. 

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story. 

Let me say it again....YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THIS IS NOT THE END OF YOUR STORY.

Better Days

Better Days

Robbie Seay Band

First of all thanks for listening to our song 

We hope this finds you driving in your car 

where ever you are 

Breathe out and breathe again 

Know that life is hard

But it's worth breathing 

Listen to me now 

for love, oh love 

It's waiting for you just to say 

Here come better days 

Here come better days 

Better days and a better place 

I know 

Secondly I'm all messed up so royally 

I stumbled my way here, but wait, oh wait 

Grace has found me, shaken up my soul 

Grace will follow where ever you will go 

Listen to me now 

Grace Oh Grace, is calling for you just to say 

Here come better days Here come better days 

Better days and a better place I know 

Green grass and I'm laying in the sunlight of you 

The wind is moving through the trees blustering you 

And the better days you bring, the better places found 

Feasting at your table I'm overwhelmed 

And I lift my glass drink to those who never gave up 

Clouds pass fading into memories gone 

And all I know for life is life and love and peace 

What else could there be? 

Here come better days 

Oh, here come better days

Better days and a better place 

I know

I have to believe that there’s truth in these words – that better days lie ahead. 2012 held some of the best and worst days of my life.

Graduation, getting my first “real” job, buying my first car, traveling to Romania – some of the biggest moments of my life thus far, moments that I worked long and hard for. And there were of course the thousands of “little” moments that made up the year, wonderful friends and family.

And then, just as I started my new job (which I still adore, in case you were wondering :) ), I received news that brought my seemingly perfect world crashing down. My sweet baby brother had ended his life. (Try going to tell your brand new boss that news without looking like a blubbering mess!)The days and weeks and months that followed became some of the simultaneously best and worst of my life. I was amazed at how people just showed up for my family. And now even when I think people have forgotten, I’ll get a sweet message from someone reminding me that I’m far from forgotten. And it’s ever-humbling to be reminded that I’m not the only one deeply affected by my brother’s death. Out of this tragedy, I’ve developed some wonderful friendships, some new and some “old”. And I have to believe that some good will come of this.

I know that every day is a new day, but there’s just something so promising about a new year. A chance to start fresh, to find better days. I’m not so naïve to think that the days ahead won’t be hard or that I won’t have bad days. But I’m filled with hope that better days are coming.

This comes from a blog that Jamie wrote on TWLOHA (you can view the rest of the blog here):

Welcome to midnight.

Another year comes to a close. Another year begins.

With a moment in between.

Why the fuss?

Why the fame and fireworks?

Is it more than hype? More than something else to sell us?

Is there something to this holiday?

Something true inside it?

Because isn’t there something inside of us that aches for change…

Dreams it to be possible…

To let go.

To hold on

To leave it behind.

To start again.

To be new.

Is it possible?

The rest of the blog is fantastic, but I just really love this part. It speaks of the hope and possibility that this new year holds. I know that 2013 still holds a lot in the “year of firsts” following Nic’s death. But I also know that I am still here. Still alive. Still breathing. And so are you. And maybe we both deserve to know that this is a life worth living. Not just getting through (although some days that’s the best we can do, and that’s okay.).

So this year I will learn to live in the moment. I will [try] to be healthier (like running a 5K every month, right Kristen and Lindsay?). I’ll be more aware of people around me. And I’ll make sure that my brother’s memory lives on.

I’m including here the Vision for TWLOHA. Even if you’ve read it 100 times, I encourage you to read it one more time. And try to believe these things are true. That they are possible. That 2013 holds the beginnings of them.

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world…life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to the pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty, but also tragedy and loss. Millions live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption…We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it’s worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it’s possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings…The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love.

The vision the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

So goodbye 2012. I’m glad to let you go.

Here’s to 2013. To better days.